(Editors’ note: Bloomberg Opinion columnist Ramesh Ponnuru did not actually receive the following email, but he has gotten dozens, scores, hundreds of others like it. As far as we know, he is not actually running for office.)
Friend, we haven’t heard from you in a while. We’ve sent you 24 emails asking for money, just this week, and so far you haven’t stepped up.
This is IMPORTANT. You are a vital part of our movement, so I’m going to be blunt with you: My campaign is sucking wind.
Yes, I CRUSHED it in the debate last night. And sure, my advisors are full of optimism about how we’re winning when they talk to reporters.
But let’s face it: Every day, my opponent and his extremist allies are on the airwaves spewing lies about my record. They will stop at nothing to impose their radical agenda on Americans. They have BILLIONS OF DOLLARS to defeat our movement. And, sadly, IT’S WORKING.
I know you want to fight back just as badly as I do. But we haven’t come close to hitting our fundraising targets. I just got off the phone with my campaign manager, and he told me CONTRIBUTIONS ARE DOWN 500%. We are in DIRE STRAITS. It’s looking like we’re going to have to pull our TV ads OFF THE AIR.
This is the absolute last thing we wanted to do SO CLOSE to Election Day. But we have no choice.
My manager gave me your information because we’re not ready to give up.
That’s why I’m emailing you only 12 minutes after my last email pitch. My consultants tell me that if we ratchet up the level of desperation just a little bit more, you’ll finally cough up so that I can pay them.
But there’s good news. A group of benefactors has stepped forward to offer AN EXCLUSIVE 1300% MATCH. For every $100 you give us, they’ll give us $2,600. All you have to do is accept this amazing offer BEFORE MIDNIGHT. This is the LAST TIME we are doing this before the election. We need you to chip in RIGHT NOW.
You may be wondering why these charitable souls don’t just give us the $2,600 without making us send these demeaning pleas to collect a tiny bit more. Maybe they’re sadistic trolls who enjoy humiliating candidates and irritating their supporters? Anyway, they totally exist, and they will be VERY DISAPPOINTED in you if you keep holding out.
You may have other questions, too. Are my fundraising problems a sign of serious mismanagement? Will I ever quit with these emails? Will you have to fake your own death to stop getting them? How did I even get your email address? Have you ever heard of me? Am I even running in your state? An adjacent state, at least? What’s with all the WEIRD capitalization?
But I’ve got a question for YOU: Are you ready to keep us in the fight and STOP the radicals? Or have you joined the other side?
If we miss our goal, friend, it is GAME OVER. You are OUR LAST HOPE. I’m asking for YOUR help before we have to pull our ads down for good, close the curtains on our campaign, and say goodbye to the American dream.
We accept cash, credit cards and checks, or you can Venmo my strategist’s account directly.
Ramesh Ponnuru is a Bloomberg Opinion columnist. He is the editor of National Review and a fellow at the American Enterprise Institute.